realization
by V.J. Ashleigh
Summary: Bianca and Balthazar face each other after the exchange of blood they shared in Stargazer. However, things are complicated when Bianca learns disturbing news about Lucas.
1. Chapter 1

I'd been avoiding Balthazar for a week, which wasn't hard now that I was living in Mrs. Bethany's carriage house. Still, I felt guilty and nervous. I hadn't spoken to him since the wraith had interrupted our little blood drinking incident which had been about to get even more intimate before the frost and fear and near death experience. The truth was I'd spent over a year telling myself that Lucas and I loved each other and so the distance between us didn't matter, but as I'd found out in Amherst, it did.

Lucas had made my blood boil and rush through my veins, setting my whole body ablaze, and I'd been certain only his touch could bring such passion with it. I'd made such a stupid, typical teenage mistake I was disgusted with myself. I'd confused lust for love. Sure, I had emotional feelings for Lucas, but he wasn't the only one who could make my heart hammer in my chest and my body ache for more. The incident with Balthazar had proven that. With Balthazar on top of me, drinking my blood as I took his into my body in return, my body had reacted in ways I hadn't even known possible.

I was kind of afraid, honestly. Sure, I knew I could trust Balthazar but I hadn't liked how little my mind had come into play during it all, I'd been all physical need and no logic. I wasn't sure I really liked that fact. Well, I sure liked it during the rush, but not so much once my brain got back on board. So I'd been avoiding Balthazar, which made me feel guilty because he had always been so kind to me. He had always been there for me.

I'd decided to stay after classes and hang out with Raquel and so it was dark as I made my way back to the carriage house. It was a remarkably clear night and so I took my time walking back, scanning the sky as I went. The stars were gorgeous tonight. Each one seemed so bright and defined. I was nearing the carriage house when someone cleared their throat. I jumped. I couldn't help it. I'd been lost in thought and definitely not expecting another person to be around. I glanced around me hurriedly, who would be out here at this hour? It was almost curfew. Then he stepped out of the shadows of the tree line, a large, dark figure.

"Bianca," he began. He paused, unsure what to say next. He shoved his hands into his slack pockets.

"Bianca, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you in that situation. I know you love Lucas, and I'm sorry. I don't want this to be the end of our friendship."

Balthazar looked miserable. He looked down at his shoes and snuck quick glances at me, gauging my reaction.

"Do you?' I asked. His brow furrowed.

"Do I what?"

"Do you know I love Lucas?

"I know, I know. I keep pushing the line. I try to push the boundaries between us, but I do know. I promise. And I won't ask for any more than friendship again."

"You drank my blood, Balthazar. Tell me, do you know I love Lucas."

This stunned him, obviously not the response he'd been expecting. Perhaps he thought the question was a trap with no answer that would please me. He was silent for a long time. Face drawn in concentration. No doubt he was replaying every glimpse he'd gotten into my mind. Slowly he looked up at me, confusion on his handsome face.

"No, Bianca," his voice barely above a whisper, quiet and hesitant. "I can not honestly say that I know from your soul you love Lucas. I saw the passion, yes. But--"

Balthazar cut himself off, not wanting to finish the thought. Perhaps not wanting to anger me or embarrass me.

"Go on," I insisted, "say what you were going to say."

He looked like he was going to refuse. He shook his head sadly.

"Please," I whispered.

We had stood there awkwardly, about ten yards away but now Balthazar took a step closer.

"But I could feel the passion between us, Bianca. I could feel your lust and desire. I could see no thoughts of Lucas in those moments."

"I know." I cried. I felt almost ashamed. I'd denied Balthazar so long for Lucas and he'd respected that because he'd though I'd truly loved Lucas, that he hadn't stood a chance against that love but now here we were and I felt like a sham. I should have been thinking of Lucas, I should have felt guilty for kissing a man besides Lucas, but I wasn't.

"I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. You've been so good to me, right in front of my face all along, and I've just looked past you. Ignored the fact I was attracted to you, denied myself even the possibility of considering it."

"Bianca, what-- what are you saying?" Balthazar's hand reached for me but he stopped himself from closing the distance between us.

"I'm saying, hell, I don't know exactly what I'm saying but, you shouldn't feel bad for drinking my blood. I asked you to, remember? And I enjoyed it. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. I was just confused and afraid and, come here, Balthazar."

I held out my hand to Balthazar and he slowly approached me. His face was disbelieving, uncertain. He was so big and handsome, that look didn't belong on his face. I closed the last distance between us, stepping into his arms, pressing myself into his chest. I pulled my hair back and leaned my neck to one side.

"Drink from me, Balthazar. Please."

He looked down at me, dark eyes bright, and then, almost too fast for me to see, he bit into my neck.


	2. Chapter 2

I raised my head sleepily off of Balthazar's chest. My skin tingled and I could feel the blood flowing languorously through my body. Balthazar glanced down at me and a slow smile upturned his bloodstained lips. We lay in the grass, intertwined. My eyelids felt heavy.

I felt different than the other times I had consumed blood. Then I had felt energized and my senses had seemed overly, almost painfully, sensitive. This time I had felt an immense rush, but not the same jittery caffeine-like buzz as before. The rush had been intense and powerful but it had passed and now I felt sated and content. My senses were heightened but not overwhelmingly or unpleasantly so. It was much more satisfying and enjoyable than the times before.

Balthazar's hand drew lazy circles on my back and I inhaled deeply and sighed. The night smelled of earth and blood. The scent was surprisingly intoxicating. With his bloodstained mouth, Balthazar kissed me softly. I eagerly returned his kiss. A low moan escaped his mouth before his tongue slipped from his mouth to lick along my bottom lip.

He licked the blood from my lips and my whole body responded. Suddenly my pulse seemed to accelerate tenfold and it flooded my ears. I could only hear the thick whooshing of my blood pulsing through my veins, the rhythm ever faster. I could only feel Balthazar's warm tongue and soft breath. The rest of the world slipped away.

Balthazar's hands no longer drew lazy circles along my spine, his hands gripped me tightly to his body as the kiss became more and more heated. My body ached with the anticipation of his touch.

"Bianca."

His hot mouth on mine consumed me. I let my hands grip his broad shoulders, feeling the strength and power there. I lightly nipped at his bottom lip, rolling on top of his muscled body. His fingers dug into my back, pressing my body into his. My heart was beating fast, frantic, I shivered in anticipation.

"Bianca!"


	3. Chapter 3

**"Bianca!"**

**"What!?" I snapped, head spinning around to glare at whoever had dared interrupt this.**

**"Bianca, Bianca how-- how could you?"**

**Dana stood above me, her normally smiling face a mixture of disbelief and disgust. **

**"I came to tell you Lucas has been injured. Looks like that doesn't matter to you though. You're busy sucking face with a dead guy." **

**Balthazar let out a growl and I lept off of him and onto my feet. The situation could turn ugly quickly. Black Cross and vampires don't socialize well.**

**"Injured? How bad is it? How did it happen?" My mind was spinning. Dana was here. Lucas was hurt. Balthazar was more than a friend. Dana would tell Lucas. Lucas would be hurt. Lucas _was_ hurt. **

**" Bad enough, Bianca," Dana snapped, breaking up my mental train wreck of thoughts. She spun on her heel and started towards the trees. I couldn't compose any coherent thoughts, let alone sentences, so I said nothing as she stormed off. When she reached the line of trees and disappeared into the dense forest panic hit me. I'd never find out about Lucas if I let her go. Maybe I didn't love Lucas but I cared about him. I darted after her. **

**"Bianca, don't," Balthazar's deep voice commanded. I glanced back at him, he looked so miserable, disappointment etched across his handsome face. Sorely disappointed or not, he'd live. Lucas might not. **

**I took off full speed into the underbrush and branches. Dana was up ahead, walking briskly, cursing and muttering about my lack of loyalty and unfaithfulness. Her words weren't directed at me, but they stung all the same. I stepped on a fallen branch and the dry wood cracked loudly. The sound rang out through the quiet forest and Dana spun around ready to fight. She lowered her hands when she saw me but her glare remained.**

**"Go away, Bianca," she spit at me ,"Go back to your new, dead boyfriend."**

**" He--he's not my boyfriend," I mumbled. Lame defense, I know, but I had more important things to think about than how to explain my own confusing romantic feelings to Dana. **

**" Well, you two sure looked real cozy back there," she sneered. **

**" That's not important right now. What happened to Lucas?" my voice sounded so tiny and desperate.**

**" I think Lucas would find it just a tad bit more important than you seem to. His girlfriend cheating on him with a vampire and all. A vampire, that's just low, Bianca." **

**"I'm not his girlfriend. We broke up," I managed. Her words hurt and I could feel my eyes start to sting, tears were dangerously close to the surface. **

**" Yeah right, Lucas never mentioned your supposed break up. Even if you two did, you sure moved on fast, Bianca," Dana laughed, but there was no humor in the noise. **

**"Please, Dana, please. Just tell me what happened. Is he going to be OK?"**

**" Physically? Because you obviously don't care about his emotional well being," her voice was scathing.**

**"That's not fair. That's not fair at all!" My emotions were all swirling together, fear for Lucas, guilt for how it would hurt him to know I'd been kissing Balthazar, anger because Dana was being hurtful, frustration because she wouldn't cooperate and tell me what was happening. I felt like I was about to implode. My emotions were struggling with each other, which one would surface next was a mystery to me.**

**"Whatever, Bianca. It wasn't fair for you to be necking the enemy while Lucas was out risking his life. Those blood-suckers killed half his cell. They were massacred. I thought you understood how dangerous they are but here you are, getting all hot and heavy with one of _them_ while Lucas is being stitched back together! Screw you, Bianca. Don't talk to me about fair!" **

**Anger won. My hands shook as they formed fists. **

**" I don't hate anyone based solely on what they are! Otherwise, I would have stayed clear of a blood-thirsty mercenary group like Black Cross. You're glorified terrorists, over-zealous militants for God's sake! There is nothing righteous about killing!"**

**I was tired of being between both sides, tired of hearing them preach about the evil of the other. I was tired of listening to fear driven hate. **

**Dana said nothing to me, I'd never seen her speechless before. She looked furious but she just sputtered in disbelief. **

**" Tell me, is he going to be OK?" I sighed, exhaustion hitting me hard. **

**"Who d--," Dana started, anger flashing in her eyes, but then she sighed and her shoulders sagged, her next words were barely a whisper, "I-- I don't know."**


	4. Chapter 4

I stumbled through the woods after Dana. Okay, so I made myself stumble, after the blood I'd consumed earlier I could have walked easily through the woods. The last thing I needed to do was to make Dana suspicious. She was moving fast through the heavy underbrush, but she was still making a lot of noise. Twigs snapped under her boots and she snagged her jacket repeatedly on branches. She would have freaked if I'd just walked silently and unhindered through the thicket. The last thing I needed was Black Cross suspecting I was something a little more than human, especially since I was going straight into their headquarters.

Dana had agreed to take me to see Lucas. She'd made it clear she wasn't doing it for me, it was for Lucas' benefit only. She told me he was incoherent, heavily medicated, and often unconscious. She told me the only thing he'd said since being rescued was my name. He whispered it in his sleep, he yelled it in his dreams. I felt like a traitor. Here Lucas was, horribly injured, and he cried out for me. While he was in pain, I'd been getting all cozy with Balthazar. I was drowning in guilt.

I hadn't seen Lucas since our fight, and it had seemed pretty obvious to me then that that was the end to us. So why then was it my name he called out? My emotions became a whirlpool, swirling together, rapidly becoming dangerous. I guess I wasn't sure if I really did love Lucas, but I knew one thing for sure, I had to see him. I cared for him. The thought of him injured made my stomach twist in on itself, my heart ache. Lucas had always seemed so brave and strong, almost invincible to me.

"Hurry up," Dana growled, scowling at me over her shoulder. She was definitely going to be pissed at me for awhile, if not, say, forever.

We were reaching the edge of the school grounds when a dark figure stepped out in front of Dana and I. Dana reached for her weapons but I just sighed.

" I'm going, Balthazar. You can't stop me."

" Bianca, this is ridiculous. You can't expect me to let you just walk into Black Cross headquarters."

" Ridiculous or not, that's the plan."

I tried to brush past Balthazar but he grabbed my shoulders.

"Bianca! I will not allow this!" His eyes bored into mine and anger flared. I would not tolerate being told what I could and couldn't do, especially with Lucas' life on the line. I knew it hurt Balthazar to see me running to Lucas' side but I had to do it. Lucas' injuries took precedence over all else.

"We'll talk when I get back. I'm sorry, really, but you have to let me go," I tried.

" NO, you will be unprotected in the hands of the enemy!!" Balthazar shook me as he spoke. The emotional whirlpool I'd been stopped suddenly and anger engulfed me. I didn't like his getting physical with me and letting myself feel angry was easier than letting myself feel the fear or the guilt that both threatened to overtake me.

" Speaking of hands, I'd really appreciate it if you'd removes yours from me. I don't appreciate being manhandled," I practically growled.

He released his grip on me and looked down.

"Please, Bianca, be reasonable," he pleaded. It hurt me to see the desperation on his face, but not as much as it would hurt me knowing Lucas was suffering, asking for me, while I sat back at Evernight pretending everything was fine.

"I can't ignore this situation, Balthazar. I can't let him be in pain and just sit comfortably here with you. I have to see him. I care about him still."

And with that I pushed past Balthazar and continued on. I glanced back to make sure Dana was following and winced at the look on Balthazar's face. He looked so shocked and betrayed.

"Don't try following us, fang boy," Dana shot at him as she resumed walking, " It could prove unhealthy for you." She flashed him an ugly smile and then redirected her attention to me.

"I hope you new boy toy listens because I'd love the chance to change his undead status to just dead."

I just glared at her and marched on.


End file.
